jonty17's blog

Have Another Biscuit

Go on, have another biscuit, you've earned it after the day you've had. Maybe you should eat that ice cream too, it's been in the freezer ages and it would be a shame to waste it...

Get the government to help...

Misery shouldn't be just for the priveleged few, lets open it up to everybody and get the government to help out. Here are some simple things governments could do to help us all get more melancholy.

Sell off green spaces to housing developers, the fewer green open spaces that people have access to the better as they have been shown to lighten peoples moods.

Watch More TV

the goggleboxWe all love to watch TV. It's one of the things that we enjoy most - but actually watching TV gives us about the same enjoyment level as sitting in a darkened room staring at the wall. Oh sure, sometimes there's a really interesting documentary about the Appollo Missions or Hitler, but most of the time its ads or trailers or the News or a stupid cartoon.

Compare Yourself to a Celebrity

 This is a really great way to get miserable. No matter how good you might be feeling about your life, you can always find somebody whose doing better in the pages of OK magazine. Any you will never be as pretty or have such great abs.

Mind you, neither will they! These people are so photoshopped they don't even recognize themselves in the mirror. The they end up having surgery to look like they think they should and you end up with.. Jacko...

Dwell On Things

dwell on thingsMisery lives not just in the present, but in the past and the future. You can be miserable about your life now, but you can enhance this by dwelling  on bad things that happened in the past - and even by worrying about bad things that might happen in the future. You see how broad the opportunities for misery are when you really put your mind to it! Things are making you miserable and they haven't even happened yet - and might never happen. Don't let that stop you though, let your imagination run riot!

Get Stoned

Grass, booze, hash, speed, crack, heroin, TV, shopping, sex... Whatever your drug of choice is, have loads of it.

People take drugs to change the way they feel, they look for the deep sense of satisfaction that the drug seems to bring. At first it all looks rosey, but after a while the effects start to wear off. The warm rosey glow is now just a normal part of life - and this is where you get the chance to develop some misery!

Be Miserable Even in the Face of Good Fortune

cloud1.gifSometimes life throws us a curve ball and everything just goes right. Maybe you win the lottery or just the lottery of life and end up with a good job, excellent health and a great social life. Don't despair, misey can still be yours!

Get Rich Quick

Get rich quick off the backs of others. Try getting people to work for you for a pittance and selling the things they make for a fortune, feelings of self-hatred and worthlessness should have you miserable eventually. 

Or maybe you could just steal a load of intellectual property off the internet, sell it on as your own and watch the cashcome flooding in.

Buy a new car

You've seen the ads, huge 4x4 tears up the majextic mountains, speeds you through virgin rainforest and the kids get to school on time. Looks like the last thing that you'd want to buy if you wanted to be miserable...

Meanwhile, back on the planet earth you are not halfway down the Grand Canyon, but stuck in traffic on a drizzly morning in Heckmondwike. The monthly payments are crippling and the car's value has plummeted in the 20 minutes since you drove it off the forecourt. Perfect, you can now be truly and justifiably miserable.

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